Central Florida snark

* Spending entire weekend with family in central Florida. I expect frequent reminders, explicit and unstated, of how “New York City” I am now. Also, I judge. Silently, of course, but oh it’s so judgey inside my head! Real talk: travel does not always open the mind!! (But I love my family, so I shall endure the town that Walt built.)

* Friday afternoon: It seriously did not occur to me until this moment, in line to board, that my midday flight to Orlando on a Friday would of COURSE be packed with families. This is not my flight. It is their flight. And me without headphones of any kind. I almost never drink on planes… almost.

* Saturday afternoon: Surrounded by old Jewish women on an outlet shopping mission. There’s no joke here. These are my aunts. This is a “fun outing.”

* Help! I’m in the Disney Character Warehouse outlet zoo, under assault by an obscene array of mass marketed Mouse merch, desperately trying not to engage. Failing.

Note to self: “vinylmation”… oh the horror!

Wait, there’s worse! “Donald Duck as Darth Maul” fleece throw blanket. I SHIT YOU NOT. Hope you’re proud of this, George Lucas!

The merch is telling me there is apparently a “Cars Land” in the parks, which actually makes perfect sense: The crossover market between Disney and NASCAR is probably huge.

Pink sparkly Bambi tank top under a sign suggesting it as a “Mother’s Day gift idea” — I pointed out to the “cast members” that maybe Bambi and Mother’s Day don’t have a positive correlation. (Spoiler alert: Bambi’s mother doesn’t survive the movie.)

Aerosmith Rock ‘n’ Rollercoaster “I’m with the band” cap for girls directly under a sign referring to “Snow White apparel”. Again, not a smart correlation. (Spoiler alert: Aerosmith band members are not as sweet to girls as Doc, Grumpy, Sleepy and certainly not Bashful. Though one can certainly argue they were Happy.)

WHY is Maleficent inscribed on a pink sparkly rose-motif photo frame?? Why they gotta sweeten up one of the all-time great evil villains?

“We are Siamese” playing on the sound system? Didn’t we agree, as a society, years ago, that song/scene is crazy racist?? Not in the Orlando outlet mall, apparently!

YAY! SURVIVED! I’m freeee

* Bat mitzvah party Saturday night! You know, weird older cousins do have an important role in the extended family. To wit: tonight, I introduced vital info to 3 youngsters: 1) tween/teen icons Tavi Gevinson, Kiernan Shipka, and Elle Fanning as potential fashion role models to a budding fashionista 2) the Gap Band, Earth Wind & Fire, and KC and the Sunshine Band as fun & funky party music for a drama loving boy to investigate, and 3) Wonder Woman as cooler and smarter superhero, with an awesome invisible plane and magic accessories, to a very young sparkle loving girl’s girl. Plus I busted many moves, and found myself in a genial dance-off with the entertainment crew. Not bad for an ancient. (To the 13-and-under set, anyone over 21 is old. I am at peace with that.)

* Sunday afternoon: The tradeoff for a ride to the airport is a forced march through yet another outlet mall. But here is no way I’m setting foot in another Disney store — and yes, one of the aunts does want to check it “just to see.”

* Success! Slayed 5 hours at Orlando airport without aggravation. NYC here I come!

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About amywinns

Semi-snarky, semi-sincere, occasionally ranting, always paying attention. Feminist who can work a skirt and crack a joke. Grammar nerd who is also fun at parties. Mid-career writer/editor with 15 years’ experience in newspapers & magazines who now helps developers at a major media corporation communicate with the suits who write the checks. Pro-women, pro-family, pro-choice, pro-workingclass, pro-entrepreneur, pro-farmer. Like every other bourgeois Brooklynite, I choose local/organic/raw food — mostly vegetables — whenever possible/reasonable/affordable but I’m not a smug asshole about it. Hometown: Atlanta. Weird hobby: lindy hop. No pets, no kids, no thanks.
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